So I figure that October is as good a time as any to start being a better member of the blog. :)
She hardly ever went home anymore--she couldn't stand the silence.
1. The deafening silence was too much to bear; she had to get out of the house.
2. "It hurts to much to be there. Don't you understand?! ! She was my best friend, I know that, but...it's just too much. I can't go back. I won't."
3. The feelings and visions of warmth and comfort, laughter and silliness, had now been replaced by loneliness and longing. She knew this would be the last time she would be able to bring herself to step over this threshold.
4. She watched her go with tears in her eyes, wondering how long Alyson would stay away this time?
5. Sick. Empty. Useless. This was no way to build a home for herself.
She smelled the half-empty bottle of baby powder with longing and regret.
1. As she opened the bottle, she felt the sharp pain of regret pulsing through her.
2. Tossing the bottle into the empty diaper pail, thoughts of what should have been flooded her memory.
3. "He would have loved the diaper changing and bathing.", she sadly thought to herself while wrapping Simon in a towel.
SERIOUSLY ERIN! FIVE!!! COME ON!!
4. The smell of baby powder flooded her nostrils. A sharp gasped escaped her lips. What was she thinking? This was no life for a child, or for her.
5. Margo was silent for a moment and then replied, "I'd have liked a child of my own, of course, but I missed the boat on that one a long time ago." Embarrassed, Julie quickly looked away as she put the baby powder back on the shelf.
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3 comments:
Yay--I'm so glad I'm not the only one that posted! I liked all of your sentences, but especially 2, 4, and 5 from the second set. Number two made me want to cry--I would have if I had read it in a novel. Great job!
hahaha...i'm glad 5 seemed like a stretch...it's good for you. :) i agree with heather, the baby powder ones are great. you managed to caputre perfect little glimpses to a deeper story in just one sentence. maybe you can give us our next motivational prompt.
You said you wanted honest feedback - so I hope you meant it that is what I am going to do :)
These all really did feel like they were a part of a much bigger story like Erin said - very intriguing.
For the house sentences I liked numbers 3 and 4 the best. #2 I had a question about the interjection "I know that" I think the sentence works well without it and when reading it, it made me think that there was a conversation going on between two people so I had to read it again to understand that it was just one person having a conversation with herself. But I do love the short statements "I can't go back. I won't." They are very strong.
The baby powder sentences were awesome. I felt like there was more emotion coming from these. I don't really have any suggestions on these because they are just so good. I think 1 and 3 are my favorites. Good job. Now I need to get to work on mine!
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